The Point?

The plot to a horror movie bugs you, sets you in motion to want to watch a movie that will take away the bad unpleasant destructive vibes, or read a mystery book or something. Perhaps you’ll write a story. You don’t know how, though. Perhaps you’ll talk about your day, journal, etc. You really didn’t do anything. You get up too late. You are in a haze. You have plans to organize yourself, prepare for school, get in the right mindset. Mostly you sleep late, much too long, then you try to get vital, then you try to wind down.

Perhaps you’ll blog. You’ll publish this on the internet. Perhaps not. Maybe just get some more white wine.

You play music with some friends today. About two hours. You want to play drums but you play guitar – one of the guys only plays drums. The first song you play is wonderful, alive. Most everything after is stillborn. Kelly walks you out and talks to you briefly about this girl he was attempting to share his feelings with. You are drained. You find that you are never growth-centered with him You are very hungry afterwards. You eat then take a bath. You go on the internet for a few hours, aimless, enveloped. You watch Parenthood at 10. Unfortunately Trish comes out and watches it with you. Garrett is outside with a friend; she waits for him. You dislike watching things with her, she comments too much, sticks your relationship on the screen. You lose touch with your feelings and the narratives feelings. You’re not silent enough in such a situation.

What’s the point of a thing like this? Writing something like this, that is. You have some ideas. You like the idea of caring for yourself in the Foucaultvian way by recalling the day. You also find that there is a stillness and an inspiriting energy culled after from such work. Perhaps with this in mind it may be to the point.

Values Project for School - From last month

1. I am Self-Directed

I recognize that I may flourish only if I will what I am doing. I recognize that Heath is that state of being in which one’s actions and trajectories reflects how one authentically cares about things. In contrast, living one’s life so as to meet the expectations of others or of ‘society’ is a life divorced from Self, it is a life of fear, diffusion, superficiality, entrapment; such an Expectational way of living houses feelings of incompetence, unbalance, and ultimately produces reactivity. Self-Direction is a skill involving self-knowledge, emotional-intelligence, clarity, and for me, everything mentioned on this list. It implies a sensitivity and commitment to one’s authentic agenda. It implies trust in one’s experiences, principles, and intuitions. It implies radical self-honesty. In the end Self-Direction is Self-Trust: it is fearlessness in how one acts from the heart.

2. I care for myself

I am kind to myself. I wish to get to know myself. I do not force myself unless I observe that it is meaningful to do so. I practice techniques that cut out noise and negative emotions so that my mind is clear. Clarity is stillness and in-touchness with Self. I meditate so that I may develop concentration and so that I may free myself from habits of destructive thinking. I keep a journal so that I can more adequately understand my movements throughout the day. I recognize that before I can be honest with my fellow man I must first be honest with myself. I will not discount myself when others discount me. I will not yield when I am alone in something I deeply care about. To care for oneself is to be sensitive to one’s circumstance.

3. I am Naturally and Passionately Engaged in my Work

I orient myself to that which I deeply care about. I work hard. There is nothing else worth pursuing.

4. I surround myself with and cultivate Growth-Centered Relationships

Honest and trusting relationships are extraordinary phenomena. The medicine of Self-Disclosure and Intimacy is unparalleled. I commune with and disclose myself; they commune with and disclose themselves. We meet at the same level at the same time. We are likeminded. I value that pocket of honesty. We show the other what they look like when it is necessary. We help each other. I gain courage to be myself in the warmth and attempt to help the other do the same.

5. I learn by others example and works

Those that have come before me have much to say. Whoever has located the way has been lost in the darkness of the forest. I listen closely, watch, and read. I experiment with ideas. I endeavor to penetrate as far as possible.

6. I am sharp in body and mind

I jog and practice various calisthenics daily to maintain vitality of body. I recognize that a major source of mechanical and emotionally illiterate activity comes about when the body is tense and dull. I eat and exercise to maintain sharpness of sense and to allow for suppleness. I practice cleanliness in all aspects of life.

7. I am unrushed

I am deliberate and slow paced so that I may care for myself rightly. Rushing only confuses me and invites comparison to others. I endeavor to be mindful and alone with myself, to center myself throughout the day so that I can be in contact with how I really am. As I value my time I notice more and more that it is eaten up and distorted when I rush.

8. I am simple in speech and manner

I endeavor to always know what I am talking about and doing. I speak plainly, to be understood, and I structure my actions and words so as to be as direct as possible.

What factors have influenced my value system? Have I experienced a significant emotional event that has influenced my values?

Centrally, the above value system points toward a cultivation of self-knowledge. It submits a real need to be awake, calm, still, supple. It is suspicious of the life-project as encouraged by the public narrative. It sees a tendency to fall into an imprisoned sleep where one is going about the day, limping, without genuine motivation. The value system suggests that such a life produces a sense of worthlessness, a fragmented mind, and untold misery. To be healthy requires a great sensitivity to oneself and one’s situation. It is to practice various forms of centering and mindfulness. It is to trust one’s most basic values.

Why have such things become valuable to me?

Since before graduating from high school (2006) I felt as if I were not really deciding the course of my life. I felt pulled along in a sense, like there was no choice and that what was important was to go to college and complete my education. There is in fact nothing wrong with this course except that it would not be directed by me, that it would not spring from the genuine desire to do so. When I was a senior and while most of my class was applying to colleges I suddenly felt buried under expectations and insecurities. Basically I imagined that I had to go off to school, that not doing so would reveal my incompetence. I withdrew and completed high school in turmoil.

For a year and a half after I attended Allan Hancock College. I did well in the classes that most interested me, but in classes that required me to speak in class frequently or that did not interest me, I developed an approach/avoidance conflict. I was anxious and I rationalized that not being motivated by them I could just do the bare minimum. But eventually I started to think this way about school in general. My grades were poor because I both didn’t care about what I was doing and because I had developed an anxiety disorder. Following some good advice I decided to take some time off from school in order to figure out what course was worth pursuing.

I got a full time job and saved up for a few months. This past summer I moved to Washington State to stay with my aunt and uncle. I helped them build a deck and a carport and resolved to consider myself. I read a few books and spent a lot of time alone. Being somewhere that was unfamiliar helped to untangle and reveal to myself some of the habits and narratives that had been cycling around. I could recognize that through a lack of assertiveness and through my tendency to be the mediator in my family that I had neglected caring for myself. All of the values listed above spring from my resolution to become familiar with and trusting in my path.

A Night Out And A Walk Back To High School

You walk to your old high school with Shane today. You plan to time each other running a mile around the track. You tell him about yesterdays outing with Garrett N briefly. You say that you probably won’t hang out with him anymore unless it’s with a group of people. You’d hoped he had a part of him that was genuinely grounded and growth-centered but you didn’t really encounter it.

Yesterday afternoon you go to the café, drink coffee, write about the ‘narrative’ that you have developed with Nick, and read from ‘The Transparent Self’. When you finish your latte you spend an hour or so in the library reading some more.

You get the idea to call up Garrett N., perhaps talk to him about writing – the purpose, the impulse, and the function.

You pick him up around five. You decide to eat Mexican food. He mentions that Austin might be on his lunch break around the time we will be eating. Maybe he could eat with us?

You like Austin, but you wish to see Garrett N. alone so that you may see if he has anything to say about writing. However, you don’t know how to go about maneuvering this kind of thing. Before Austin arrives you sip your hot tea and ask Garrett N. what it is that he goes about doing when he writes, what is the movement that brings one to it? He thinks about it and then gives through away answers until Austin shows up. You eat one tamale, a chicken taco, and rice and beans. Austin mentions the plot of a horror movie that you think about throughout the night.

Walking out Garrett N. wonders if what else we might do. He mentions a billiards bar not to far away. You might be able to talk to him more intimately there.

You order a Heineken. They don’t take plastic. You’ll pay Garrett N. back. You play some pool. When people begin to show up it becomes clear that Garrett N. hasn’t much to say to you really. He takes a lot of smoke and bathroom breaks. He talks to a lot of nearby patrons. You end up sitting by yourself much of the time waiting for him to come back to take his turn. When he returns he apologizes profusely. He does this ad nauseam. You think about leaving; you text Vanessa and Shane as something to do. You don’t really drink because you’re driving. When Garrett N. does talk to you its about music, panic attacks, or our small circle of mutual acquaintances. You’re bored, unconnected, and tired from hiking the day before.

Austin shows up around 9, and a whole bunch of other familiar people drizzle in as well. You notice Kelly, and Everett and his girlfriend. Perhaps you’ll play music with Kelly in a day or two. You have to tell Everett about your situation with school because he wonders why you’re not in Washington. You ask him about VTC.

Near 10:30 or so you finally get up the nerve to tell Garrett N. that you’re going to take off. He asks if it’s cool that he can finish his beer. While waiting you notice Doug, an old high school friend. You stand and watch him play pool for a minute before initiating conversation. It is so weird to see him. You catch each other up briefly. There’s a lot of unresolved stuff between you and him but it’s not too hard to talk. He gives you his number and tells you to give him a call – he’s in town for a while. Perhaps it would be good to meet up with him, figure things out.

Garrett N. ends up staying at the bar. He gets a ride from a friend’s friend who plans to stay until they throw him out. You stand outside and talk to the guy while he has a cigarette. He offers you one and you take it – well, you take Garrett N.’s, because he pulls his out faster. He’s pretty cool actually, Ryan. You both laugh at this guy that Garrett N. starts talking to: a car salesman who starts free styling. This other guy walks out to smoke and stars talking to you too. He’s Hungarian and works for a drinking water company. He starts talking about not trusting people, not even himself. You say that that’s pretty natural, not trusting yourself. He say’s that he thinks he is talking to a shrink; you go: maybe it’s the collared shirt. When you say goodbye and leave he tells you to remember what he said, but he didn’t really say anything because he was mumbling and drunk.

You make some tea for yourself and Garrett (your brother) when you get home. You talk to him about Avatar The Last Airbender. You check your grades online before you go to sleep. You passed your life management course but not your statistics one.

You walk from Shane’s house to the track. He begins to talk about his relations with a young woman who you vaguely remember from high school. He spends a lot of time articulating himself about it: she has just finished university, is back in town, is potentially moving to Chicago soon. He has recently spent good time with her, growth-centered, intimate, caring, I-Thou time. But there arises some blocks. The relationship began with the notation that it was casual and potentially finite. Shane has come to appreciate and care, nevertheless. As she heads to Chicago for an interview of some kind Shane wishes to see her off correctly. Perhaps there is a need for her to maintain control of those factors that commit her – she is after all only 22, just out of the forming institution. Shane wants to see her the morning she leaves – not too sure why, but thinks its right. He reads you some text messages: he comes off as a bit irritating and clinging perhaps. She reacts a small bit, boxed in, suggests she is disappointed in him, didn’t we address the ground rules? From here Shane begins to be possessed by the potentiality that it’s not as important to her as to him, just another notch on the old belt. He goes over all this with you. You get him to further articulate and translate. You wonder what he wants - from you here and now, from her. You suggest the interpretation that comes to you most warmly: that even though she supposedly never gets angry, finds positive in his weaknesses, and is refreshingly mature – things he finds appealing about her - that she was feeling not so competent about her interview, has not yet defined their relationship to herself, that the two pulls resulted in an imprisoning feeling. You suggest that he write about all of this to himself, that ‘what to do’ will drain out of it. You say its good that you have experienced this kind of thing, it opens yourself up to yourself. Emotional intelligence is about filtering out those possessing movements and reinstating activity that you can will, can get behind. You say that when you meet her next that he should prepare for it, get silent to himself.

You run a mile around the track as Shane times you. You get tired on the third lap. You think about Vanessa – a sort of uplifting image or trajectory. It helps some. You stay with your breath and your body when the pain sets in. Shane says 5:03 when you finish the third lap. You pick up your pace, its not so far really. You finish at 6:38. You hadn’t done this, really tried to run a mile, since perhaps junior high. You’re reasonably satisfied.

You walk and jog with Shane a bit afterwards. You talk rather loudly about erections, now versus in high school, as this fellow passes by on the track. When you sense someone behind you, you turn around. He goes: Its okay, I can just pass you by here. He walks on the grass to your left.

You walk back to his house talking about the meaning of Donnie Darko, the death of the community, and ‘honesty’. You plan to go to waller park to eat and chill out. You make tuna sandwiches, walk to your house, put on warmer clothes and have some tea.

You listen to the Donnie Darko soundtrack on the way. Its just right. When you eat the sun is going down and the wind sets about a chill but it becomes clear to you how wonderful and just-so it is being with Shane. He is the type of person you can be yourself with. It’s good that you are friends. Its not bullshit at all.

When you drop him off, you don’t even talk about what you are doing. Its just obvious that this is what we are doing. It is just-so. It means we are tired, but not tired of each other. He says lately he has been looking forward to taking showers. You say that you keep expecting to run into Tom. That every gray haired slim fellow you walk past makes you turn your head to get a glimpse. He says that today was a good day, that he tries to think about the day near the end of it. You listen to nice music from the 5^th and 6^th Harry Potter films as you drop him off. The first track is somber and the second track is whimsical. You take a bath when you get home. Trish talks with you in a wonderfully warm way regarding school. She hugs you and wants you to be doing it for you. You say you will sleep on what to do regarding your failed class.

Outline of Points for Work - from a few months ago

• The Public-Narrative/Expectational-Living is both ungrounded and, as it is, is incapable of being so.
• The Source of all issues may be seen directly in one’s subconscious, can be traced in one’s ‘thought’.
• There can be no flourishing if one can’t will what they are doing.
• Mechanicalness, that is, Expectational-Living, puts one to sleep, brings one into the sleep-forgetfulness-cycle.
• Mechanicalness: doing while one’s intention is foreign to one; doing when one doesn’t know why one is doing what one is doing; when there is a disconnect between will and action.
• All illusions, fears, conflicts, disturbing and destructive movements arise from this disconnect.
• There is no such thing as a morality when one is within Expectational-Living. Morality is impossible when one cannot go against one’s society.
• The institutions of the Public-Narrative once were grounded – that is, connected with the Source – but when the Source is not seen and the story is still passed on, people cannot act from the will, cannot practice the real values which the story arises from. The way then becomes dead, lulling people to sleep.
• Without the Source, there is no possibility of flourishing. Without, in other words, the ability to recognize trajectory in Self-Narrative and the Public-Narrative, there is only mechanical movement.

Recent Unfinished, Unpublished Fragments

It would be helpful to begin a story or to start a film with dialogue going: But, I mean, don’t you get the impression that… And from here that which is to be examined will be stated. This will relieve the narrative of having to set up a whole bunch of superficial crap. A film that starts out in a similar manner, though instead of employing dialog employs a monologue, is the film ‘I Heart Huckabee’s.’

Here is what you wish to relay of the last few days - some parts in fragments, others narrated:

12/20/10 (typed, never finished, never published)

The rain prevents you from jogging in the morning. You get dressed, prepare some food for later, and drive to the Café around noon. Since preparing for and delivering your presentation on Wednesday, you have been exposed to the possibility of engaged-care. Previously you had surmised that ‘commitment’ to a meaningful project would allow for flourishing. Now you genuinely follow this line of thought. Perhaps this is what Gurdjieff refers to when he submits that only when there is conscious suffering is suffering of value.

You are still on the fence about what to do regarding Vanessa. It doesn’t help that the weather has denied you jogging to clear your head. You will probably go to the gym tonight if the rain doesn’t let up by then. Maybe when Shane gets in town you’ll talk it over with him. Maybe you’ll text her, sort of flirt with her. What you want is to talk softly. Disclose self and invite the other to disclose self.

What do you see in this movement that draws you in?

Yesterday you go shopping with Mom – a planned trip to San Luis Obispo to purchase something that she can wrap up and give to you on Christmas. You go to four clothing stores; you try on jeans, long sleeve, collared shirts, and sweaters. At noon you both decide to drive out to Morro Bay to eat lunch at a favorite spot on the marina. There arises talk about her Grandmother – Elma – who happens to be you’re great grandmother, addiction, your childhood experiences with Dad’s alcoholism, and the notion that responsibility and action are abilities that must be developed, and that are not given at birth. You’re interested in Mom’s relationship with Elma. You get her to talk about her personality, why she talks so fondly of her.

12/22/10 (written in brown notebook, never published, night)

In the back of the mind you are still concerned with the notion of right conditions for growth. That is, are extreme conditions needed for awakening? You read a memoir about a women’s life in socialist china, working hard labor, strong willed, supportive, doubtful, etc. The Self of history experiments. The conditions will be hard now – will the self awaken? And now the conditions are soft, the distraction possibilities high, easy, no pushing from outside really – will the self awaken? Or maybe rhythms, when school starts back up, then rest, week – weekends. Night, day.

12/27/10 (typed, never published)

Meeting with Nick at 6:30pm. You eat early and drive to the library an hour before normal. You buy a coffee and sit in the lobby sipping. You read a bit of ‘The Transparent Self’. You take off the lid of the coffee so that it will cool down. Nick shows up and asks if you want anything. You two sit at a table and talk for an hour before going up stairs to a study room. He says that when he orders a coffee he knows that by the next day he’ll be able to drink it.

As usual you cover many things. After chitter chatter about Christmas he brings up the tendency for our culture to justify its movements statistically, that is, through an average level of measurement. Happiness is quantifiable. You express your confusion regarding the source of this tendency. You wonder about the fear that channels people into adopting the mores of the culture, its etiquettes and life-projects.

You both discuss ‘diffusion’. You wonder if the word is too complex – that it stands for you to mean out of touchness with oneself. He likes the word, though. Later he defines it as ‘to dilute one’s focus, leading to misdirection and the inability to set priorities for self.’ You spend most of the time talking about the causes of diffusion. You notice that some of your dullness of the last few days may be attributed to your lack of anxiety.

The source of diffusion is largely the culture. It is increased when the culture is broadly defined as in a democracy or in cultures that are in transition. Such conditions omit in their narrative any meaningful advice as to what to go about doing with one’s life. This is necessary for diffusion: the omitting of a sense of meaning from the culture. We locate a few movements in the culture that trigger diffusion, the sense that one is out of touch with one’s own self and drives. There is for instance, the ‘tight schedule’ of our culture. College ought to be 4 years, in out. There is the three stages of life. Everyone in a hurry. Olympic sprinting.

You mention to what an excessive level entertainment plays in modernity (or postmodernity). This directly leads to the underdevelopment of the ability to deal with pain, with one’s own pain. You just go watch tv when the problems set in. The ‘last man’ tendency is the tendency to always strive for comfort. You mention that bad art, art without heart, without a way out, and with teenage logic leads to unnourished and enriched individuals.

12/28/10 (written in brown notebook, never published)

Talk with Trish about Garrett at lunch. You get up to help transport a t.v. from the store to Nana’s house. When you walk out there is a lady who is having some kind of temper tantrum. The security guard says in a calm voice, Mam you are out of control. Nana hands you a $20 when you’ve finished unloading the stuff out of the back of your truck. You make plans to come back tomorrow to work on some gardening. You make plans to go to lunch with Trish at the Bistro in the mall.

After initial detailing about her parents checking out, turning off, becoming dull, some talk about the memoir you just read, and so on, there comes about a discussion of Garrett: his internet indulgences, his weight, and related things. You advise her to look at her fundamental intentions in regard to limiting or eradicating his Internet gaming time, to write them down, and to articulate her concerns to Garrett only after further evaluation of his likely reaction to the disclosure. If you are in-touch with the source of your trajectory you will not weaken your resolve when adversary applies pressure.

You talk about the major role that ‘entertainment’ has in our culture, how it results in our inability as selves to deal with our own pain; how we always seek out the comfortable. You mention the need for ‘care’ or passion to balance the self. There is discussion of college. You reiterate that you are only concerned to go so that you may interact with people who are interested in similar matters you are interested in. She says that you are probably the only person that she can discuss these matters with.

12/30/10 (written in brown notebook, night, never published)

Yes, a lot of time in spent in reactive, stress-relieving, intentive, distraction-centered-movements. ‘Constant Movement’, means that there is without the quality of ‘trajectory awareness’, which is stillness, the skill of watching ‘thought’ as opposed to being possessed by ‘thought’.

The way of warmth – the warm way, the golden path. Also, that time spent in the cycle of ‘what to do?’

To practice dealing with your pain. The important question is: And why are you on the project really? The purposive-movement way.

You don’t say to Shane that you think that his present to Autumn is nice when you think it is nice. Also: ‘And this is perhaps that side of me I don’t let out often. I value the inappropriateness of your act – that it would seem to require a good deal of ‘care’ to enact.

And what is the ‘after’ness of which is drawing you in – that is, what is the ‘now’ project that the instant impression justifies itself with? What is wanted?

Red Azalea and Experimentation

You feel cut-off and cloudy. You write down some points. For instance, you want to eat better. Less beer. Today you felt so dull. Maybe just two times a week have a beer. Maybe eat less red meat. You’ll get up before 9am. You’ll be ready by 11am. You’ll intend to be to bed by midnight. You want to bring back meditation and at-hand awareness. You want to cap your Internet time.

You have a month to work on yourself before school starts up again. You’ve been over this a few times. You have not addressed yourself. You have not committed to an experiment.

Being around the familiar, around home, induces a deadened tone. You must be in-touch with yourself in order to spot this. It will take over.

You leave the house around 1:30pm. You realize while a few streets down that it is Sunday, that things are not open. You stumble around until buying a café latte from McDonald’s and sitting in the park. You walk across water filled grass to use the restroom. You read ‘Red Azalea’ on a park table in the shade. You get cold and move to sit in the sunlight up against a large pine tree. After some time further coldness persuades you to walk across the water filled grass back to your truck.

You make some tea. You watch a bad movie on the Internet about a small town, a casino, and when to move on. You heat up some noodles and spend the rest of the evening reading the rest of ‘Red Azalea’.

The book is a memoir logging the early life of a Chinese woman during the Cultural Revolution. It is about commitment, the longing for intimate, growth-centered relationships, entrapment, disillusionment, and passionate life-projects. It is written in simple prose, remarkably simple prose. You recognize the quality of in-touchness that would be necessary to write such a thing. There is much that you can smell here. It is well beyond vulgar bullshit. The style focuses your attention: it says shhhh, can you hear it? The Cultural Revolution is displayed not for political commentary. Your life is not yours, it is ours, and it is forced upon you. You will do this and this. It is for the people. You find yourself hating yourself. There are tigers in the room at all times. You fashion yourself silent, fluid, compromising, complimenting. You do things to people that you start to hate, but you feel paralyzed. In fact, everything is a war. No way out. It’s a show. History is the emperor telling the people, the working, shuffling, corpses what to do. The people follow along, blaming who they are suppose to blame, praising who they are suppose to praise. So it goes. Revolutionaries are reactive. Reactionaries reactive.

You will probably re-read this book. It does small, heavy things. Its not concerned with directly talking about the destructiveness of other-determinedness on the ‘individual’. There’s no need to talk about it: its there. Author Anchee Min discloses herself as a Self. The Self is caught in gears, is tide down – rows and rows of knots bury the warmth. It is spirit. The Self notices the Aliveness in others. It is not bullshit. The Self feels passion and injustice like the sting the body feels when burnt with a red-hot iron. But there are authentic pulses, nevertheless, in this maze and confusion. The public self wishes to dissolve itself so that both itself and the private are no more, so that there is only one. The ‘Supervisor’ is a master of illusion and yet wields passion, recourses to the bare pulse. Fear and inferiority do not weigh him down.

You notice the need right now for you to commit to an experiment. To work on self in a special way. Perhaps you will study the way of knowledge for a month. You will see if it will sharpen and vitalize. There has been a tendency toward spontaneity that has prevented full movement in the way of knowledge. You will structure a month of reading, writing, and meditation. You will journal daily. You will test this path.

Finals Class Presentation

Yesterday you presented your final project to the class, nervous, shaking, resolute. The past few days you had been thinking that you would, so to speak, initiate an experiment with the status quo, engaging in a conflict with yourself and the environment. While it was natural for you to avoid the class presentation, thought- anxious and erratic, you repeatedly came back to a purposive narrative, motivating sources that helped you through. Throughout the week you held on to a rather fantastical thread of thought: 1. That if you went through with it, you would be usurping from the ground up a great deal of those destructive habits of social approach/avoidance and 2. That after the presentation you would disclose your attraction to Vanessa, saying that you want her to know you and that you want to know her. This image gave you a kind of overcoming feeling, a resolve of warmth – you would soon be able to hold, feel, touch, and talk softly.

Another aspect of the narrative emphasized your grade situation. You have just been accepted into Humboldt’s philosophy program for fall 2011. You may have not passed your Statistics class. You are, as it is, on the first degree of academic probation for failing the majority of your courses at the college last time you attended (about a year and a half ago). If you do not pass half of your classes this time around you will only be allowed to take nine credits for spring 2011, as a result of the second degree of academic probation. If you are to attend Humboldt in spring 2012, deferring your position a semester as you have planned, you will need to have completed 10 more units not including the classes that are in progress now. (You wish to get a job and work from next summer until you attend Humboldt next spring so that you will have some money and not have to get a job right away in Arcata or a nearby town.) So from this you have determined that passing your life management class is necessary – that is, completing the final assignment and presenting it to the class would allow you to make possible the project that you have set in motion.

Another motivating factor not mentioned thus far was the desire to get across your ideas about Hyrum Smith and about the helpfulness of at-hand trajectory awareness. Its curious to you that Smith does not criticize a culture in which the self is so easily foreign to itself. Does he not find that the socializing processes encourage diffusion? Does he not observe the ‘invisible communities’ role in the individuals floundering? You get the impression that he is aware of this type of stuff. Smith talks about how in developing his time management company how he was at the receiving end of a lot of confused looks from his friends, having turned down a respectable executive job and attempting to begin what became Franklin Quest Company. Throughout the book he makes references to people who go against the ‘tide’ and follow, trustingly, their ‘dreams’. He mentions Ben Franklin as an example – even goes so far as to name his company after him. He distributes anecdotes about Franklin throughout his book, pointing out Franklin’s project to practice a morality, and so on. For Smith, Franklin is the role model for ‘individuals’; and it is ‘individuals’ that Smith wishes to cultivate. From this vantage, it is clear that there is no need to deride the culture for the culture is not responsible, cannot be responsible – really it is always the ‘individual’ that is responsible. At the end of the day you agree with this. It is something Krishnamurti and Gurdjieff would also agree with. They would only wish to add that real individuals are very few and far between, and that most are so conditioned or asleep that their movements are not really theirs but that of their cultures.

The reason for your pause here on this ‘individual’ business is because this is the type of self-fashioning that time management programs have as their goal. Perhaps morality is impossible without a goal at its source. What you think is off in Smith, however, is not pointing out the complexity that exists between the person and the attractiveness of the ‘invisible community’, which is Smith’s name for the social narrative in your mind. You like that he stands for the trusting of the self and its authentic potential, you don’t so much like that he doesn’t address the difficulty of sifting through the layers and layers of the self, discarding what is not self, that is, what is put in there by convention, and keeping what is self, that which is beyond convention.

You spend most of the week leading up to the final in distraction, that mode in which stress is sucked away by attempting to forget the project that seems to be producing the stress. You are stressed not only by the life management presentation but also by your statistics class: you have to make up homework and then take a test that will decide if you pass or fail the course. You end up not completing the homework even though you had plenty of time. When you sit down to do it you don’t care about any of what is being taught and subsequently can’t follow it. On Monday evening you take the final – perhaps getting a ‘C’ on it. You go up to the teacher and ask what your grade in the class was before you took the final. He thinks a ‘D’ and says that you should hope for the best.

On Tuesday you shuffle about and don’t really begin working on the final until around 7pm. You meticulously write down a hierarchy of your value system, begin an analysis of why you value what you do, and to garner a few extra points you begin an assignment on goals that you never turned in. You work hard for several hours. In fact, you come to realize that you are not even forcing yourself to do the work. Completing it is meaningful to you. Although you occasionally felt anxious about the presentation coming up, tranquility filled the background. You go to sleep around 4am and set an alarm for 8am – you’ve got to finish some of the essay on the origin of your value system as well as the goals assignment. You feel pretty awful in the morning, however, when you awaken. You eat and shower and sit down to write. You decide to sleep for another hour because you don’t seem to be able to say anything meaningful. You lie down for a bit but that doesn’t work – too much anxiety. So you go on a jog. This wakes you up a bit, gives you a slight control. You re-shower and finish up the work as far as possible. You sit in meditation for about ten minutes before you print out what you have completed and drive to school.

You end up going next to last – the teacher goes alphabetically. There were periods when you would shift about in your seat while thought and feeling were quick and biting. You rewrote, added to, and amended your script notes while the other students delivered their presentations. You would sometimes feel paralyzed: veins running with adrenalin, stomach clenched tight, breath shallow, cold. Sometimes you would feel comforted with an impression that would occasionally arise: that those to whom you would soon speak were in fact only wishing you the best. You would attempt to feel out and feel with this image. You would come back to it when the velocity and momentum of thought-anxiety would get away from you. Some of the presenters’ dealt solace while others accelerated thought-anxiety.

After doubt and escape thinking had ran its course a few times over and you had noticed its tide eating away your grounded resolution, you initiated an attempt at showing yourself the purpose of sticking it out. Why suffer through it? Really you just didn’t want to feel incompetent anymore, withdrawing, pushing the self away. Not going through with it seemed destructive to the self. This quote surfaces: ‘If you wish to improve yourself you must be content to look stupid.’

You write this on the top of your paper along with the praise ‘keep presence’. Stay with that healthful movement that remains uncorrupted by thought-anxiety, that knows that its okay to look stupid, knows it’s meaningful to be you and fail. You write that you will start the presentation with two self-disclosures. The first is a disclosure that standing up in class and presenting your work scares the hell out of you but that you are trying and please bear with me. The second is a disclosure that you had planned on saying already; that initially you had selected the time management project but had not managed your time effectively, and, lacking time, you completed the value-programming project. You hope people with laugh at this part – that you did not manage your time effectively to do the time management project. You imagine this will break some of the tension.

You get up and deliver as best as you can. You speak up when asked. You try to say everything that your script covers. You find yourself filling in the gaps of the script occasionally, but you don’t think it comes out well. That’s okay, though. You look down at your script most of the time. At the end you’re asked a few questions by the class. You’re asked what some of your governing values are. You point out ‘self-directedness’, vitality, and to ‘care for yourself’. When asked you explain that caring for yourself is just a complicated way of saying that you will practice radical self-honesty. When you’re answering this last question you have difficulty figuring out how to summarize ‘care for self’. You mean liberating the self from destructive and ‘sleep’ or ‘conditioned’ oriented thinking. You mean practicing techniques that bring the self in touch with itself. You mean being mindful of your circumstance. But you don’t say any of this because when you pause to think you feel you’ve paused too long – you were losing concentration and presence and you didn’t breathe. This stuff takes practice. When someone asks if you noticed any connection to your values as they are and the conditions of your upbringing you point out how you are not a very assertive person, how you often come to the role of mediator in your family and that therefore your needs tend to go undressed. Candia says something about you being a good writer near the end. At some point she asks about motivation: you say you do not care about something if you’re not motivated. Candia worries about this. Later you say you’ve appreciated the helpfulness of goal-orientation when someone asks about what you will take away from the project. When you walk back to your seat, you don’t look at the people clapping. Afterward you wish you had, for it would have been good to look everyone in the eye. Vanessa says good job. You smile at her.

There is only one more presentation after yours. You notice that there is a thought that urges you to feel incompetent due to your obvious nervousness up in front of everyone. But you’re proud of yourself like you haven’t been in a long time.

You hand Candia your severely late goals assignment. She hopes that you commit to caring for yourself; only she says it in a sort of shy way, smiling like Nana does.

Outside you wait for Vanessa. There are autumn yellow leaves on the damp ground from nearby trees. You stand in the courtyard thinking that this is nice. She comes out after a while and asks whom your waiting for. You say, you.

You talk back and forth about class and if we are going to use any of the skills we’ve learned. You say you might plan your days and utilize goal-orientation. When you get to where you usually wait the bench is cold and wet. You remove your bag and wipe down it down to soak up the water and so we can sit down. She says you don’t have to do that. Now your bag doesn’t want to be your bag. You sit down but she doesn’t.

You talk about Christmas break, speaking Spanish, last time we talked, how nervous we were in front of the classroom. Some buses pull up and a bunch of high school kids come line up in front to go see a play inside the theater. She asks if we could go over where it’s quiet. You two sit down on a bench underneath a tree. You talk about movies, favorite comedians, westerns, Shakespeare, the Narnia series. She mentions how odd it is to become mentally unbalanced, how just a few absent chemicals and you lose it. You talk about how you used to think this way but not anymore. A lot of this type of stuff has to do with ‘gaining control’ of yourself. Her mom pulls up. You both say goodbye. You haven’t said anything about your attraction to her. When she gets in the car her mom waives to you.

She texts you as you drive to Nana and Papa’s house. She says, Thank you for keeping me company. You don’t respond right away because you want to think over what to say. Exhausted on less than 4 hours of sleep and without the anxiety to keep you up you make yourself a tuna sandwich, peel a orange, and pour yourself some grape juice. You put on your headphones and write out what to say to her – its easier to think this way. In the middle of your brainstorming Mom shows up to take Papa to the ear doctor – he has an eye patch on from a surgery the other day. He instructs you on what he wants you to do with all of the leaves once you’ve raked them all up – this being the reason you’ve come over. You don’t mention to Mom your sort of victory.

You send a message to Vanessa about keeping each other company sometime, that you’d like to see her even though you don’t have class anymore. You say you’re not free this Friday but otherwise you are. She texts back that she doesn’t think she’ll be able to hang out on Friday but that we could when school starts up again.

Unfortunately you’ve been getting these kind of mixed signals. You say, Alright, give me a call if you’ve got some free time over the break, take care. She says, okay bye bye merry Christmas.

You rake three bags of leaves up while listening to music. You push the rest into the curb of the street for the street sweepers to pick up later. You’re pretty tired. You feel accomplished, a bit let down, and sweaty.