1. I am Self-Directed
I recognize that I may flourish only if I will what I am doing. I recognize that Heath is that state of being in which one’s actions and trajectories reflects how one authentically cares about things. In contrast, living one’s life so as to meet the expectations of others or of ‘society’ is a life divorced from Self, it is a life of fear, diffusion, superficiality, entrapment; such an Expectational way of living houses feelings of incompetence, unbalance, and ultimately produces reactivity. Self-Direction is a skill involving self-knowledge, emotional-intelligence, clarity, and for me, everything mentioned on this list. It implies a sensitivity and commitment to one’s authentic agenda. It implies trust in one’s experiences, principles, and intuitions. It implies radical self-honesty. In the end Self-Direction is Self-Trust: it is fearlessness in how one acts from the heart.
2. I care for myself
I am kind to myself. I wish to get to know myself. I do not force myself unless I observe that it is meaningful to do so. I practice techniques that cut out noise and negative emotions so that my mind is clear. Clarity is stillness and in-touchness with Self. I meditate so that I may develop concentration and so that I may free myself from habits of destructive thinking. I keep a journal so that I can more adequately understand my movements throughout the day. I recognize that before I can be honest with my fellow man I must first be honest with myself. I will not discount myself when others discount me. I will not yield when I am alone in something I deeply care about. To care for oneself is to be sensitive to one’s circumstance.
3. I am Naturally and Passionately Engaged in my Work
I orient myself to that which I deeply care about. I work hard. There is nothing else worth pursuing.
4. I surround myself with and cultivate Growth-Centered Relationships
Honest and trusting relationships are extraordinary phenomena. The medicine of Self-Disclosure and Intimacy is unparalleled. I commune with and disclose myself; they commune with and disclose themselves. We meet at the same level at the same time. We are likeminded. I value that pocket of honesty. We show the other what they look like when it is necessary. We help each other. I gain courage to be myself in the warmth and attempt to help the other do the same.
5. I learn by others example and works
Those that have come before me have much to say. Whoever has located the way has been lost in the darkness of the forest. I listen closely, watch, and read. I experiment with ideas. I endeavor to penetrate as far as possible.
6. I am sharp in body and mind
I jog and practice various calisthenics daily to maintain vitality of body. I recognize that a major source of mechanical and emotionally illiterate activity comes about when the body is tense and dull. I eat and exercise to maintain sharpness of sense and to allow for suppleness. I practice cleanliness in all aspects of life.
7. I am unrushed
I am deliberate and slow paced so that I may care for myself rightly. Rushing only confuses me and invites comparison to others. I endeavor to be mindful and alone with myself, to center myself throughout the day so that I can be in contact with how I really am. As I value my time I notice more and more that it is eaten up and distorted when I rush.
8. I am simple in speech and manner
I endeavor to always know what I am talking about and doing. I speak plainly, to be understood, and I structure my actions and words so as to be as direct as possible.
What factors have influenced my value system? Have I experienced a significant emotional event that has influenced my values?
Centrally, the above value system points toward a cultivation of self-knowledge. It submits a real need to be awake, calm, still, supple. It is suspicious of the life-project as encouraged by the public narrative. It sees a tendency to fall into an imprisoned sleep where one is going about the day, limping, without genuine motivation. The value system suggests that such a life produces a sense of worthlessness, a fragmented mind, and untold misery. To be healthy requires a great sensitivity to oneself and one’s situation. It is to practice various forms of centering and mindfulness. It is to trust one’s most basic values.
Why have such things become valuable to me?
Since before graduating from high school (2006) I felt as if I were not really deciding the course of my life. I felt pulled along in a sense, like there was no choice and that what was important was to go to college and complete my education. There is in fact nothing wrong with this course except that it would not be directed by me, that it would not spring from the genuine desire to do so. When I was a senior and while most of my class was applying to colleges I suddenly felt buried under expectations and insecurities. Basically I imagined that I had to go off to school, that not doing so would reveal my incompetence. I withdrew and completed high school in turmoil.
For a year and a half after I attended Allan Hancock College. I did well in the classes that most interested me, but in classes that required me to speak in class frequently or that did not interest me, I developed an approach/avoidance conflict. I was anxious and I rationalized that not being motivated by them I could just do the bare minimum. But eventually I started to think this way about school in general. My grades were poor because I both didn’t care about what I was doing and because I had developed an anxiety disorder. Following some good advice I decided to take some time off from school in order to figure out what course was worth pursuing.
I got a full time job and saved up for a few months. This past summer I moved to Washington State to stay with my aunt and uncle. I helped them build a deck and a carport and resolved to consider myself. I read a few books and spent a lot of time alone. Being somewhere that was unfamiliar helped to untangle and reveal to myself some of the habits and narratives that had been cycling around. I could recognize that through a lack of assertiveness and through my tendency to be the mediator in my family that I had neglected caring for myself. All of the values listed above spring from my resolution to become familiar with and trusting in my path.
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