It would be helpful to begin a story or to start a film with dialogue going: But, I mean, don’t you get the impression that… And from here that which is to be examined will be stated. This will relieve the narrative of having to set up a whole bunch of superficial crap. A film that starts out in a similar manner, though instead of employing dialog employs a monologue, is the film ‘I Heart Huckabee’s.’
Here is what you wish to relay of the last few days - some parts in fragments, others narrated:
12/20/10 (typed, never finished, never published)
The rain prevents you from jogging in the morning. You get dressed, prepare some food for later, and drive to the Café around noon. Since preparing for and delivering your presentation on Wednesday, you have been exposed to the possibility of engaged-care. Previously you had surmised that ‘commitment’ to a meaningful project would allow for flourishing. Now you genuinely follow this line of thought. Perhaps this is what Gurdjieff refers to when he submits that only when there is conscious suffering is suffering of value.
You are still on the fence about what to do regarding Vanessa. It doesn’t help that the weather has denied you jogging to clear your head. You will probably go to the gym tonight if the rain doesn’t let up by then. Maybe when Shane gets in town you’ll talk it over with him. Maybe you’ll text her, sort of flirt with her. What you want is to talk softly. Disclose self and invite the other to disclose self.
What do you see in this movement that draws you in?
Yesterday you go shopping with Mom – a planned trip to San Luis Obispo to purchase something that she can wrap up and give to you on Christmas. You go to four clothing stores; you try on jeans, long sleeve, collared shirts, and sweaters. At noon you both decide to drive out to Morro Bay to eat lunch at a favorite spot on the marina. There arises talk about her Grandmother – Elma – who happens to be you’re great grandmother, addiction, your childhood experiences with Dad’s alcoholism, and the notion that responsibility and action are abilities that must be developed, and that are not given at birth. You’re interested in Mom’s relationship with Elma. You get her to talk about her personality, why she talks so fondly of her.
12/22/10 (written in brown notebook, never published, night)
In the back of the mind you are still concerned with the notion of right conditions for growth. That is, are extreme conditions needed for awakening? You read a memoir about a women’s life in socialist china, working hard labor, strong willed, supportive, doubtful, etc. The Self of history experiments. The conditions will be hard now – will the self awaken? And now the conditions are soft, the distraction possibilities high, easy, no pushing from outside really – will the self awaken? Or maybe rhythms, when school starts back up, then rest, week – weekends. Night, day.
12/27/10 (typed, never published)
Meeting with Nick at 6:30pm. You eat early and drive to the library an hour before normal. You buy a coffee and sit in the lobby sipping. You read a bit of ‘The Transparent Self’. You take off the lid of the coffee so that it will cool down. Nick shows up and asks if you want anything. You two sit at a table and talk for an hour before going up stairs to a study room. He says that when he orders a coffee he knows that by the next day he’ll be able to drink it.
As usual you cover many things. After chitter chatter about Christmas he brings up the tendency for our culture to justify its movements statistically, that is, through an average level of measurement. Happiness is quantifiable. You express your confusion regarding the source of this tendency. You wonder about the fear that channels people into adopting the mores of the culture, its etiquettes and life-projects.
You both discuss ‘diffusion’. You wonder if the word is too complex – that it stands for you to mean out of touchness with oneself. He likes the word, though. Later he defines it as ‘to dilute one’s focus, leading to misdirection and the inability to set priorities for self.’ You spend most of the time talking about the causes of diffusion. You notice that some of your dullness of the last few days may be attributed to your lack of anxiety.
The source of diffusion is largely the culture. It is increased when the culture is broadly defined as in a democracy or in cultures that are in transition. Such conditions omit in their narrative any meaningful advice as to what to go about doing with one’s life. This is necessary for diffusion: the omitting of a sense of meaning from the culture. We locate a few movements in the culture that trigger diffusion, the sense that one is out of touch with one’s own self and drives. There is for instance, the ‘tight schedule’ of our culture. College ought to be 4 years, in out. There is the three stages of life. Everyone in a hurry. Olympic sprinting.
You mention to what an excessive level entertainment plays in modernity (or postmodernity). This directly leads to the underdevelopment of the ability to deal with pain, with one’s own pain. You just go watch tv when the problems set in. The ‘last man’ tendency is the tendency to always strive for comfort. You mention that bad art, art without heart, without a way out, and with teenage logic leads to unnourished and enriched individuals.
12/28/10 (written in brown notebook, never published)
Talk with Trish about Garrett at lunch. You get up to help transport a t.v. from the store to Nana’s house. When you walk out there is a lady who is having some kind of temper tantrum. The security guard says in a calm voice, Mam you are out of control. Nana hands you a $20 when you’ve finished unloading the stuff out of the back of your truck. You make plans to come back tomorrow to work on some gardening. You make plans to go to lunch with Trish at the Bistro in the mall.
After initial detailing about her parents checking out, turning off, becoming dull, some talk about the memoir you just read, and so on, there comes about a discussion of Garrett: his internet indulgences, his weight, and related things. You advise her to look at her fundamental intentions in regard to limiting or eradicating his Internet gaming time, to write them down, and to articulate her concerns to Garrett only after further evaluation of his likely reaction to the disclosure. If you are in-touch with the source of your trajectory you will not weaken your resolve when adversary applies pressure.
You talk about the major role that ‘entertainment’ has in our culture, how it results in our inability as selves to deal with our own pain; how we always seek out the comfortable. You mention the need for ‘care’ or passion to balance the self. There is discussion of college. You reiterate that you are only concerned to go so that you may interact with people who are interested in similar matters you are interested in. She says that you are probably the only person that she can discuss these matters with.
12/30/10 (written in brown notebook, night, never published)
Yes, a lot of time in spent in reactive, stress-relieving, intentive, distraction-centered-movements. ‘Constant Movement’, means that there is without the quality of ‘trajectory awareness’, which is stillness, the skill of watching ‘thought’ as opposed to being possessed by ‘thought’.
The way of warmth – the warm way, the golden path. Also, that time spent in the cycle of ‘what to do?’
To practice dealing with your pain. The important question is: And why are you on the project really? The purposive-movement way.
You don’t say to Shane that you think that his present to Autumn is nice when you think it is nice. Also: ‘And this is perhaps that side of me I don’t let out often. I value the inappropriateness of your act – that it would seem to require a good deal of ‘care’ to enact.
And what is the ‘after’ness of which is drawing you in – that is, what is the ‘now’ project that the instant impression justifies itself with? What is wanted?
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