Gurdjieff, Longing, and Wondering Thoughts

You are pulled. You long for a complete devotion to the path. You think of reading the S.A. book. Maybe call Michael and resume talking things through.

You speak with your political science teacher, Scarfe, about testing, standardization, educative intentions, and the mood of community college. You like her one on one. You kind of get into this really slow, deliberate façade with her.

You worry about things. Presentations in the weeks to come worry you. You feel also like you don’t have time for what’s meaningful – and for doing things right. You wish you could connect with someone. This girl in your Bio class reminds you of the main character in the French movie “Water Lilies”. You watch the rest of the film on netflix.

Maybe you’ll ride Steve’s bike. Save some money. Have it handy for path things. Maybe you’ll talk to Michael about trajectories. Maybe finish stats in summer and just ‘take off’. You’ve been yearning. Go away to school only when you think paying money to do so is worthy. You don’t want to get stuck owing money for a fucking loan. Stuck, etc.

A Gurdjieff quote recalls a lot of stuff about ‘right movement’:

“I wished to create around myself conditions in which a man would be continually reminded of the sense and aim of his existence by an unavoidable friction between his conscience and the automatic manifestations of his nature.” —G.I. Gurdjieff, ca. 1913

This reminds you of the way out. Eckhart Tolle in a park.

You are angry that school doesn’t provide instruction in self-knowledge. It can then only be an authoritative exercise. This is the bulk of the argument you have against ‘education’.

Mundane Ethical Dilemma

3.7.11 Early Afternoon

This morning when you went for a jog after your early class you notice a $20 bill lying in the gutter of a suburban homes driveway – there’s a newish van parked nearby. You look around. You pick it up. It’s wet from the water in the gutter so you wipe it off inside the pocket of your running shorts. There’s the thought that goes: ring the doorbell and ask if someone had dropped it. But you’re dull and jumbled. You stick it in your pocket, look around again and continue on your way.

While you jog you encounter a few thought-movements related to the banal moral dilemma. Could this be an experiment? – stick a twenty in the gutter and watch what happens from behind a fence? No, highly doubtful.

You are brought to an insight you had some few months ago while emailing Tom. Amongst the emotional resistance and arguments of the thought-movements you recall that ethical thinking comes about primarily when faced directly with a dilemma; it comes about secondly after the dilemmas themselves occur, when one begins to wonder if what one had done was ‘right’; and thirdly, ethical thinking springs up from the encounter and identification with stories, but at much weaker strength.

Your emotional movements stimulate the ethical dimension of the ‘lost’ bill. It goes: perhaps someone dropped it and will ‘need’ it. Or, you have not earned the money, and you also do not ‘need’ it. And, it will be growth-centered if you ring the doorbell.

You jog along listening to music and reacting to the narrative in your mind about what to do. You think about what you could do with the money. A haircut? You felt unattractive this morning and could use the twenty to get a haricut – smooth things out. And, as if to add support to this trajectory, you remember one time when you were younger that you’d lost the same amount of money while riding your bike – a lot of money to you then. This is reasonable, it says.

There’s a counter argument, though. It goes: you do not ‘need’ it, and it is not yours. There’s a recalling of what the ‘commissaris’ says in one of Janwillem van de Wetering’s Amsterdam detective mysteries – “I have not seen much of the Law, but what I have seen has effected me.” You think that returning it may be good. For instance, it would clarify some of your jumbledness this morning. Is this sufficient though? A negative aspect of yourself says it isn’t, that there’s a sort of childish stupidity about it. Yet it is not so. You are not doing it so as to be a ‘good boy’ or merely to feel better about yourself and the world. You feel that a voluntary action aimed at returning the money would help the ‘world’; that is, the quality of the movement would be noticed – perhaps not initially, but later – by the lost money’s owner, and that they would then be in a position to contact this ‘quality’ themselves in their further movements. Perhaps not use it just yet or ever, but they would feel it.

You think that the thinking is not necessary – all of those thought movements are confusing. At the moment of noticing the bill, the feeling was the guided argument. But then the thought came in and you reasoned about not feeling particularly up to ringing the bell because there was an anxiety about dealing with people. Perhaps the early feeling was the higher emotional center, the ‘thinking’ was mechanical.

And so you flip back and forth. There are some times your swayed by both impulses. Yet you finally side with the ‘qualitativenss’. You walk up the steps after jogging back to the house with the van. You ring the doorbell and wait. You ring it again and wait. You wonder if you might just put it under the doormat. The door opens up, suddenly. A girl about your age, attractive in a fleshy sort of way, blonde, but not uninteresting and dull. She’s sleepy looking, dressed in shorts and a baggy white shirt.

You tell here the story, leaving out that you jogged about with the money in you pocket before returning it. She opens the door the whole way and you hand it to her. You don’t ask it if it’s hers. You feel sweaty. She say’s: you’re nice to do that, have a nice night- I mean day.

Well, there we are.

To Break A Social Norm

There is a project for your group speech and communications class. It goes like this: break an implicit social rule and write about the experience. You have some idea what you will do. You just want to do this, though, and the project gives it an extra nudge into being. The idea is to stand on a corner of a street, perhaps a busy one, for a few hours. Just be there. You’ll be with the inappropriateness of the situation, noticing in awareness the movement to do the appropriate, and you will breathe well from the stomach, noticing. For what you will work on is detachment – detachment and the practicing of power.

Perhaps you will do something further. The intention of putting these words down here was threefold: 1. to explore the reason behind the urge to do such a thing 2. to quell the movements to not do the project by addressing these movements and asserting the projects purpose 3. to approach the project from the intention of the teacher so as to see whether what you are to be doing is parallel to it.

There was an idea that occurred a few days ago suggesting that you purchase a small display board, leave it blank, and hold it above your shoulders. Would this harmonize with the project more than simply standing on the street? Will this be something to hide behind? Another idea to walk back and forth from sidewalk to sidwalk.

What you wish to practice and develop is quietness, stillness beyond the social narrative. The social narrative pushes one about, in many directions, toward many distractive ends. The social narrative, however, isn’t real. Its just habitual movement mixed with evolutionary tendency.

You have noticed many times that you are not content with an activity if its source is cold to you – that is, if the activity is presented, encouraged, and practiced in such a way that you are ‘suppose’ to know the meaning of it without the addressing of the meaning. The abundance of the ‘suppose-to’ stripped from its ‘why’ kills the vitality and stillness that is the potential of man, and he falls about dull and in opposing directions. You wish to be able to get behind an act, to know what you are talking about, to leave nothing undone.

To break a social norm and to watch the movements of the self is what you want to do. To acquaint oneself with the triggers and impulses is to be in a position to not be bothered by them.

You will find a corner that has moderate to heavy traffic. You’ll park near by and put on a coat. For the first hour you will stand at the corner and not address any one unless you are spoken to. If spoken to you will say that you are exploring the nature of what is socially appropriate and how in crossing the boundary how it is that the self reacts. It’s a sort of exercise in self-knowledge. You will adjust the explanation to fit the speaker if necessary. You will stand and watch yourself and be acquainted with the environment.

The Point?

The plot to a horror movie bugs you, sets you in motion to want to watch a movie that will take away the bad unpleasant destructive vibes, or read a mystery book or something. Perhaps you’ll write a story. You don’t know how, though. Perhaps you’ll talk about your day, journal, etc. You really didn’t do anything. You get up too late. You are in a haze. You have plans to organize yourself, prepare for school, get in the right mindset. Mostly you sleep late, much too long, then you try to get vital, then you try to wind down.

Perhaps you’ll blog. You’ll publish this on the internet. Perhaps not. Maybe just get some more white wine.

You play music with some friends today. About two hours. You want to play drums but you play guitar – one of the guys only plays drums. The first song you play is wonderful, alive. Most everything after is stillborn. Kelly walks you out and talks to you briefly about this girl he was attempting to share his feelings with. You are drained. You find that you are never growth-centered with him You are very hungry afterwards. You eat then take a bath. You go on the internet for a few hours, aimless, enveloped. You watch Parenthood at 10. Unfortunately Trish comes out and watches it with you. Garrett is outside with a friend; she waits for him. You dislike watching things with her, she comments too much, sticks your relationship on the screen. You lose touch with your feelings and the narratives feelings. You’re not silent enough in such a situation.

What’s the point of a thing like this? Writing something like this, that is. You have some ideas. You like the idea of caring for yourself in the Foucaultvian way by recalling the day. You also find that there is a stillness and an inspiriting energy culled after from such work. Perhaps with this in mind it may be to the point.

Values Project for School - From last month

1. I am Self-Directed

I recognize that I may flourish only if I will what I am doing. I recognize that Heath is that state of being in which one’s actions and trajectories reflects how one authentically cares about things. In contrast, living one’s life so as to meet the expectations of others or of ‘society’ is a life divorced from Self, it is a life of fear, diffusion, superficiality, entrapment; such an Expectational way of living houses feelings of incompetence, unbalance, and ultimately produces reactivity. Self-Direction is a skill involving self-knowledge, emotional-intelligence, clarity, and for me, everything mentioned on this list. It implies a sensitivity and commitment to one’s authentic agenda. It implies trust in one’s experiences, principles, and intuitions. It implies radical self-honesty. In the end Self-Direction is Self-Trust: it is fearlessness in how one acts from the heart.

2. I care for myself

I am kind to myself. I wish to get to know myself. I do not force myself unless I observe that it is meaningful to do so. I practice techniques that cut out noise and negative emotions so that my mind is clear. Clarity is stillness and in-touchness with Self. I meditate so that I may develop concentration and so that I may free myself from habits of destructive thinking. I keep a journal so that I can more adequately understand my movements throughout the day. I recognize that before I can be honest with my fellow man I must first be honest with myself. I will not discount myself when others discount me. I will not yield when I am alone in something I deeply care about. To care for oneself is to be sensitive to one’s circumstance.

3. I am Naturally and Passionately Engaged in my Work

I orient myself to that which I deeply care about. I work hard. There is nothing else worth pursuing.

4. I surround myself with and cultivate Growth-Centered Relationships

Honest and trusting relationships are extraordinary phenomena. The medicine of Self-Disclosure and Intimacy is unparalleled. I commune with and disclose myself; they commune with and disclose themselves. We meet at the same level at the same time. We are likeminded. I value that pocket of honesty. We show the other what they look like when it is necessary. We help each other. I gain courage to be myself in the warmth and attempt to help the other do the same.

5. I learn by others example and works

Those that have come before me have much to say. Whoever has located the way has been lost in the darkness of the forest. I listen closely, watch, and read. I experiment with ideas. I endeavor to penetrate as far as possible.

6. I am sharp in body and mind

I jog and practice various calisthenics daily to maintain vitality of body. I recognize that a major source of mechanical and emotionally illiterate activity comes about when the body is tense and dull. I eat and exercise to maintain sharpness of sense and to allow for suppleness. I practice cleanliness in all aspects of life.

7. I am unrushed

I am deliberate and slow paced so that I may care for myself rightly. Rushing only confuses me and invites comparison to others. I endeavor to be mindful and alone with myself, to center myself throughout the day so that I can be in contact with how I really am. As I value my time I notice more and more that it is eaten up and distorted when I rush.

8. I am simple in speech and manner

I endeavor to always know what I am talking about and doing. I speak plainly, to be understood, and I structure my actions and words so as to be as direct as possible.

What factors have influenced my value system? Have I experienced a significant emotional event that has influenced my values?

Centrally, the above value system points toward a cultivation of self-knowledge. It submits a real need to be awake, calm, still, supple. It is suspicious of the life-project as encouraged by the public narrative. It sees a tendency to fall into an imprisoned sleep where one is going about the day, limping, without genuine motivation. The value system suggests that such a life produces a sense of worthlessness, a fragmented mind, and untold misery. To be healthy requires a great sensitivity to oneself and one’s situation. It is to practice various forms of centering and mindfulness. It is to trust one’s most basic values.

Why have such things become valuable to me?

Since before graduating from high school (2006) I felt as if I were not really deciding the course of my life. I felt pulled along in a sense, like there was no choice and that what was important was to go to college and complete my education. There is in fact nothing wrong with this course except that it would not be directed by me, that it would not spring from the genuine desire to do so. When I was a senior and while most of my class was applying to colleges I suddenly felt buried under expectations and insecurities. Basically I imagined that I had to go off to school, that not doing so would reveal my incompetence. I withdrew and completed high school in turmoil.

For a year and a half after I attended Allan Hancock College. I did well in the classes that most interested me, but in classes that required me to speak in class frequently or that did not interest me, I developed an approach/avoidance conflict. I was anxious and I rationalized that not being motivated by them I could just do the bare minimum. But eventually I started to think this way about school in general. My grades were poor because I both didn’t care about what I was doing and because I had developed an anxiety disorder. Following some good advice I decided to take some time off from school in order to figure out what course was worth pursuing.

I got a full time job and saved up for a few months. This past summer I moved to Washington State to stay with my aunt and uncle. I helped them build a deck and a carport and resolved to consider myself. I read a few books and spent a lot of time alone. Being somewhere that was unfamiliar helped to untangle and reveal to myself some of the habits and narratives that had been cycling around. I could recognize that through a lack of assertiveness and through my tendency to be the mediator in my family that I had neglected caring for myself. All of the values listed above spring from my resolution to become familiar with and trusting in my path.

A Night Out And A Walk Back To High School

You walk to your old high school with Shane today. You plan to time each other running a mile around the track. You tell him about yesterdays outing with Garrett N briefly. You say that you probably won’t hang out with him anymore unless it’s with a group of people. You’d hoped he had a part of him that was genuinely grounded and growth-centered but you didn’t really encounter it.

Yesterday afternoon you go to the café, drink coffee, write about the ‘narrative’ that you have developed with Nick, and read from ‘The Transparent Self’. When you finish your latte you spend an hour or so in the library reading some more.

You get the idea to call up Garrett N., perhaps talk to him about writing – the purpose, the impulse, and the function.

You pick him up around five. You decide to eat Mexican food. He mentions that Austin might be on his lunch break around the time we will be eating. Maybe he could eat with us?

You like Austin, but you wish to see Garrett N. alone so that you may see if he has anything to say about writing. However, you don’t know how to go about maneuvering this kind of thing. Before Austin arrives you sip your hot tea and ask Garrett N. what it is that he goes about doing when he writes, what is the movement that brings one to it? He thinks about it and then gives through away answers until Austin shows up. You eat one tamale, a chicken taco, and rice and beans. Austin mentions the plot of a horror movie that you think about throughout the night.

Walking out Garrett N. wonders if what else we might do. He mentions a billiards bar not to far away. You might be able to talk to him more intimately there.

You order a Heineken. They don’t take plastic. You’ll pay Garrett N. back. You play some pool. When people begin to show up it becomes clear that Garrett N. hasn’t much to say to you really. He takes a lot of smoke and bathroom breaks. He talks to a lot of nearby patrons. You end up sitting by yourself much of the time waiting for him to come back to take his turn. When he returns he apologizes profusely. He does this ad nauseam. You think about leaving; you text Vanessa and Shane as something to do. You don’t really drink because you’re driving. When Garrett N. does talk to you its about music, panic attacks, or our small circle of mutual acquaintances. You’re bored, unconnected, and tired from hiking the day before.

Austin shows up around 9, and a whole bunch of other familiar people drizzle in as well. You notice Kelly, and Everett and his girlfriend. Perhaps you’ll play music with Kelly in a day or two. You have to tell Everett about your situation with school because he wonders why you’re not in Washington. You ask him about VTC.

Near 10:30 or so you finally get up the nerve to tell Garrett N. that you’re going to take off. He asks if it’s cool that he can finish his beer. While waiting you notice Doug, an old high school friend. You stand and watch him play pool for a minute before initiating conversation. It is so weird to see him. You catch each other up briefly. There’s a lot of unresolved stuff between you and him but it’s not too hard to talk. He gives you his number and tells you to give him a call – he’s in town for a while. Perhaps it would be good to meet up with him, figure things out.

Garrett N. ends up staying at the bar. He gets a ride from a friend’s friend who plans to stay until they throw him out. You stand outside and talk to the guy while he has a cigarette. He offers you one and you take it – well, you take Garrett N.’s, because he pulls his out faster. He’s pretty cool actually, Ryan. You both laugh at this guy that Garrett N. starts talking to: a car salesman who starts free styling. This other guy walks out to smoke and stars talking to you too. He’s Hungarian and works for a drinking water company. He starts talking about not trusting people, not even himself. You say that that’s pretty natural, not trusting yourself. He say’s that he thinks he is talking to a shrink; you go: maybe it’s the collared shirt. When you say goodbye and leave he tells you to remember what he said, but he didn’t really say anything because he was mumbling and drunk.

You make some tea for yourself and Garrett (your brother) when you get home. You talk to him about Avatar The Last Airbender. You check your grades online before you go to sleep. You passed your life management course but not your statistics one.

You walk from Shane’s house to the track. He begins to talk about his relations with a young woman who you vaguely remember from high school. He spends a lot of time articulating himself about it: she has just finished university, is back in town, is potentially moving to Chicago soon. He has recently spent good time with her, growth-centered, intimate, caring, I-Thou time. But there arises some blocks. The relationship began with the notation that it was casual and potentially finite. Shane has come to appreciate and care, nevertheless. As she heads to Chicago for an interview of some kind Shane wishes to see her off correctly. Perhaps there is a need for her to maintain control of those factors that commit her – she is after all only 22, just out of the forming institution. Shane wants to see her the morning she leaves – not too sure why, but thinks its right. He reads you some text messages: he comes off as a bit irritating and clinging perhaps. She reacts a small bit, boxed in, suggests she is disappointed in him, didn’t we address the ground rules? From here Shane begins to be possessed by the potentiality that it’s not as important to her as to him, just another notch on the old belt. He goes over all this with you. You get him to further articulate and translate. You wonder what he wants - from you here and now, from her. You suggest the interpretation that comes to you most warmly: that even though she supposedly never gets angry, finds positive in his weaknesses, and is refreshingly mature – things he finds appealing about her - that she was feeling not so competent about her interview, has not yet defined their relationship to herself, that the two pulls resulted in an imprisoning feeling. You suggest that he write about all of this to himself, that ‘what to do’ will drain out of it. You say its good that you have experienced this kind of thing, it opens yourself up to yourself. Emotional intelligence is about filtering out those possessing movements and reinstating activity that you can will, can get behind. You say that when you meet her next that he should prepare for it, get silent to himself.

You run a mile around the track as Shane times you. You get tired on the third lap. You think about Vanessa – a sort of uplifting image or trajectory. It helps some. You stay with your breath and your body when the pain sets in. Shane says 5:03 when you finish the third lap. You pick up your pace, its not so far really. You finish at 6:38. You hadn’t done this, really tried to run a mile, since perhaps junior high. You’re reasonably satisfied.

You walk and jog with Shane a bit afterwards. You talk rather loudly about erections, now versus in high school, as this fellow passes by on the track. When you sense someone behind you, you turn around. He goes: Its okay, I can just pass you by here. He walks on the grass to your left.

You walk back to his house talking about the meaning of Donnie Darko, the death of the community, and ‘honesty’. You plan to go to waller park to eat and chill out. You make tuna sandwiches, walk to your house, put on warmer clothes and have some tea.

You listen to the Donnie Darko soundtrack on the way. Its just right. When you eat the sun is going down and the wind sets about a chill but it becomes clear to you how wonderful and just-so it is being with Shane. He is the type of person you can be yourself with. It’s good that you are friends. Its not bullshit at all.

When you drop him off, you don’t even talk about what you are doing. Its just obvious that this is what we are doing. It is just-so. It means we are tired, but not tired of each other. He says lately he has been looking forward to taking showers. You say that you keep expecting to run into Tom. That every gray haired slim fellow you walk past makes you turn your head to get a glimpse. He says that today was a good day, that he tries to think about the day near the end of it. You listen to nice music from the 5^th and 6^th Harry Potter films as you drop him off. The first track is somber and the second track is whimsical. You take a bath when you get home. Trish talks with you in a wonderfully warm way regarding school. She hugs you and wants you to be doing it for you. You say you will sleep on what to do regarding your failed class.

Outline of Points for Work - from a few months ago

• The Public-Narrative/Expectational-Living is both ungrounded and, as it is, is incapable of being so.
• The Source of all issues may be seen directly in one’s subconscious, can be traced in one’s ‘thought’.
• There can be no flourishing if one can’t will what they are doing.
• Mechanicalness, that is, Expectational-Living, puts one to sleep, brings one into the sleep-forgetfulness-cycle.
• Mechanicalness: doing while one’s intention is foreign to one; doing when one doesn’t know why one is doing what one is doing; when there is a disconnect between will and action.
• All illusions, fears, conflicts, disturbing and destructive movements arise from this disconnect.
• There is no such thing as a morality when one is within Expectational-Living. Morality is impossible when one cannot go against one’s society.
• The institutions of the Public-Narrative once were grounded – that is, connected with the Source – but when the Source is not seen and the story is still passed on, people cannot act from the will, cannot practice the real values which the story arises from. The way then becomes dead, lulling people to sleep.
• Without the Source, there is no possibility of flourishing. Without, in other words, the ability to recognize trajectory in Self-Narrative and the Public-Narrative, there is only mechanical movement.