The Point?

The plot to a horror movie bugs you, sets you in motion to want to watch a movie that will take away the bad unpleasant destructive vibes, or read a mystery book or something. Perhaps you’ll write a story. You don’t know how, though. Perhaps you’ll talk about your day, journal, etc. You really didn’t do anything. You get up too late. You are in a haze. You have plans to organize yourself, prepare for school, get in the right mindset. Mostly you sleep late, much too long, then you try to get vital, then you try to wind down.

Perhaps you’ll blog. You’ll publish this on the internet. Perhaps not. Maybe just get some more white wine.

You play music with some friends today. About two hours. You want to play drums but you play guitar – one of the guys only plays drums. The first song you play is wonderful, alive. Most everything after is stillborn. Kelly walks you out and talks to you briefly about this girl he was attempting to share his feelings with. You are drained. You find that you are never growth-centered with him You are very hungry afterwards. You eat then take a bath. You go on the internet for a few hours, aimless, enveloped. You watch Parenthood at 10. Unfortunately Trish comes out and watches it with you. Garrett is outside with a friend; she waits for him. You dislike watching things with her, she comments too much, sticks your relationship on the screen. You lose touch with your feelings and the narratives feelings. You’re not silent enough in such a situation.

What’s the point of a thing like this? Writing something like this, that is. You have some ideas. You like the idea of caring for yourself in the Foucaultvian way by recalling the day. You also find that there is a stillness and an inspiriting energy culled after from such work. Perhaps with this in mind it may be to the point.

Values Project for School - From last month

1. I am Self-Directed

I recognize that I may flourish only if I will what I am doing. I recognize that Heath is that state of being in which one’s actions and trajectories reflects how one authentically cares about things. In contrast, living one’s life so as to meet the expectations of others or of ‘society’ is a life divorced from Self, it is a life of fear, diffusion, superficiality, entrapment; such an Expectational way of living houses feelings of incompetence, unbalance, and ultimately produces reactivity. Self-Direction is a skill involving self-knowledge, emotional-intelligence, clarity, and for me, everything mentioned on this list. It implies a sensitivity and commitment to one’s authentic agenda. It implies trust in one’s experiences, principles, and intuitions. It implies radical self-honesty. In the end Self-Direction is Self-Trust: it is fearlessness in how one acts from the heart.

2. I care for myself

I am kind to myself. I wish to get to know myself. I do not force myself unless I observe that it is meaningful to do so. I practice techniques that cut out noise and negative emotions so that my mind is clear. Clarity is stillness and in-touchness with Self. I meditate so that I may develop concentration and so that I may free myself from habits of destructive thinking. I keep a journal so that I can more adequately understand my movements throughout the day. I recognize that before I can be honest with my fellow man I must first be honest with myself. I will not discount myself when others discount me. I will not yield when I am alone in something I deeply care about. To care for oneself is to be sensitive to one’s circumstance.

3. I am Naturally and Passionately Engaged in my Work

I orient myself to that which I deeply care about. I work hard. There is nothing else worth pursuing.

4. I surround myself with and cultivate Growth-Centered Relationships

Honest and trusting relationships are extraordinary phenomena. The medicine of Self-Disclosure and Intimacy is unparalleled. I commune with and disclose myself; they commune with and disclose themselves. We meet at the same level at the same time. We are likeminded. I value that pocket of honesty. We show the other what they look like when it is necessary. We help each other. I gain courage to be myself in the warmth and attempt to help the other do the same.

5. I learn by others example and works

Those that have come before me have much to say. Whoever has located the way has been lost in the darkness of the forest. I listen closely, watch, and read. I experiment with ideas. I endeavor to penetrate as far as possible.

6. I am sharp in body and mind

I jog and practice various calisthenics daily to maintain vitality of body. I recognize that a major source of mechanical and emotionally illiterate activity comes about when the body is tense and dull. I eat and exercise to maintain sharpness of sense and to allow for suppleness. I practice cleanliness in all aspects of life.

7. I am unrushed

I am deliberate and slow paced so that I may care for myself rightly. Rushing only confuses me and invites comparison to others. I endeavor to be mindful and alone with myself, to center myself throughout the day so that I can be in contact with how I really am. As I value my time I notice more and more that it is eaten up and distorted when I rush.

8. I am simple in speech and manner

I endeavor to always know what I am talking about and doing. I speak plainly, to be understood, and I structure my actions and words so as to be as direct as possible.

What factors have influenced my value system? Have I experienced a significant emotional event that has influenced my values?

Centrally, the above value system points toward a cultivation of self-knowledge. It submits a real need to be awake, calm, still, supple. It is suspicious of the life-project as encouraged by the public narrative. It sees a tendency to fall into an imprisoned sleep where one is going about the day, limping, without genuine motivation. The value system suggests that such a life produces a sense of worthlessness, a fragmented mind, and untold misery. To be healthy requires a great sensitivity to oneself and one’s situation. It is to practice various forms of centering and mindfulness. It is to trust one’s most basic values.

Why have such things become valuable to me?

Since before graduating from high school (2006) I felt as if I were not really deciding the course of my life. I felt pulled along in a sense, like there was no choice and that what was important was to go to college and complete my education. There is in fact nothing wrong with this course except that it would not be directed by me, that it would not spring from the genuine desire to do so. When I was a senior and while most of my class was applying to colleges I suddenly felt buried under expectations and insecurities. Basically I imagined that I had to go off to school, that not doing so would reveal my incompetence. I withdrew and completed high school in turmoil.

For a year and a half after I attended Allan Hancock College. I did well in the classes that most interested me, but in classes that required me to speak in class frequently or that did not interest me, I developed an approach/avoidance conflict. I was anxious and I rationalized that not being motivated by them I could just do the bare minimum. But eventually I started to think this way about school in general. My grades were poor because I both didn’t care about what I was doing and because I had developed an anxiety disorder. Following some good advice I decided to take some time off from school in order to figure out what course was worth pursuing.

I got a full time job and saved up for a few months. This past summer I moved to Washington State to stay with my aunt and uncle. I helped them build a deck and a carport and resolved to consider myself. I read a few books and spent a lot of time alone. Being somewhere that was unfamiliar helped to untangle and reveal to myself some of the habits and narratives that had been cycling around. I could recognize that through a lack of assertiveness and through my tendency to be the mediator in my family that I had neglected caring for myself. All of the values listed above spring from my resolution to become familiar with and trusting in my path.

A Night Out And A Walk Back To High School

You walk to your old high school with Shane today. You plan to time each other running a mile around the track. You tell him about yesterdays outing with Garrett N briefly. You say that you probably won’t hang out with him anymore unless it’s with a group of people. You’d hoped he had a part of him that was genuinely grounded and growth-centered but you didn’t really encounter it.

Yesterday afternoon you go to the café, drink coffee, write about the ‘narrative’ that you have developed with Nick, and read from ‘The Transparent Self’. When you finish your latte you spend an hour or so in the library reading some more.

You get the idea to call up Garrett N., perhaps talk to him about writing – the purpose, the impulse, and the function.

You pick him up around five. You decide to eat Mexican food. He mentions that Austin might be on his lunch break around the time we will be eating. Maybe he could eat with us?

You like Austin, but you wish to see Garrett N. alone so that you may see if he has anything to say about writing. However, you don’t know how to go about maneuvering this kind of thing. Before Austin arrives you sip your hot tea and ask Garrett N. what it is that he goes about doing when he writes, what is the movement that brings one to it? He thinks about it and then gives through away answers until Austin shows up. You eat one tamale, a chicken taco, and rice and beans. Austin mentions the plot of a horror movie that you think about throughout the night.

Walking out Garrett N. wonders if what else we might do. He mentions a billiards bar not to far away. You might be able to talk to him more intimately there.

You order a Heineken. They don’t take plastic. You’ll pay Garrett N. back. You play some pool. When people begin to show up it becomes clear that Garrett N. hasn’t much to say to you really. He takes a lot of smoke and bathroom breaks. He talks to a lot of nearby patrons. You end up sitting by yourself much of the time waiting for him to come back to take his turn. When he returns he apologizes profusely. He does this ad nauseam. You think about leaving; you text Vanessa and Shane as something to do. You don’t really drink because you’re driving. When Garrett N. does talk to you its about music, panic attacks, or our small circle of mutual acquaintances. You’re bored, unconnected, and tired from hiking the day before.

Austin shows up around 9, and a whole bunch of other familiar people drizzle in as well. You notice Kelly, and Everett and his girlfriend. Perhaps you’ll play music with Kelly in a day or two. You have to tell Everett about your situation with school because he wonders why you’re not in Washington. You ask him about VTC.

Near 10:30 or so you finally get up the nerve to tell Garrett N. that you’re going to take off. He asks if it’s cool that he can finish his beer. While waiting you notice Doug, an old high school friend. You stand and watch him play pool for a minute before initiating conversation. It is so weird to see him. You catch each other up briefly. There’s a lot of unresolved stuff between you and him but it’s not too hard to talk. He gives you his number and tells you to give him a call – he’s in town for a while. Perhaps it would be good to meet up with him, figure things out.

Garrett N. ends up staying at the bar. He gets a ride from a friend’s friend who plans to stay until they throw him out. You stand outside and talk to the guy while he has a cigarette. He offers you one and you take it – well, you take Garrett N.’s, because he pulls his out faster. He’s pretty cool actually, Ryan. You both laugh at this guy that Garrett N. starts talking to: a car salesman who starts free styling. This other guy walks out to smoke and stars talking to you too. He’s Hungarian and works for a drinking water company. He starts talking about not trusting people, not even himself. You say that that’s pretty natural, not trusting yourself. He say’s that he thinks he is talking to a shrink; you go: maybe it’s the collared shirt. When you say goodbye and leave he tells you to remember what he said, but he didn’t really say anything because he was mumbling and drunk.

You make some tea for yourself and Garrett (your brother) when you get home. You talk to him about Avatar The Last Airbender. You check your grades online before you go to sleep. You passed your life management course but not your statistics one.

You walk from Shane’s house to the track. He begins to talk about his relations with a young woman who you vaguely remember from high school. He spends a lot of time articulating himself about it: she has just finished university, is back in town, is potentially moving to Chicago soon. He has recently spent good time with her, growth-centered, intimate, caring, I-Thou time. But there arises some blocks. The relationship began with the notation that it was casual and potentially finite. Shane has come to appreciate and care, nevertheless. As she heads to Chicago for an interview of some kind Shane wishes to see her off correctly. Perhaps there is a need for her to maintain control of those factors that commit her – she is after all only 22, just out of the forming institution. Shane wants to see her the morning she leaves – not too sure why, but thinks its right. He reads you some text messages: he comes off as a bit irritating and clinging perhaps. She reacts a small bit, boxed in, suggests she is disappointed in him, didn’t we address the ground rules? From here Shane begins to be possessed by the potentiality that it’s not as important to her as to him, just another notch on the old belt. He goes over all this with you. You get him to further articulate and translate. You wonder what he wants - from you here and now, from her. You suggest the interpretation that comes to you most warmly: that even though she supposedly never gets angry, finds positive in his weaknesses, and is refreshingly mature – things he finds appealing about her - that she was feeling not so competent about her interview, has not yet defined their relationship to herself, that the two pulls resulted in an imprisoning feeling. You suggest that he write about all of this to himself, that ‘what to do’ will drain out of it. You say its good that you have experienced this kind of thing, it opens yourself up to yourself. Emotional intelligence is about filtering out those possessing movements and reinstating activity that you can will, can get behind. You say that when you meet her next that he should prepare for it, get silent to himself.

You run a mile around the track as Shane times you. You get tired on the third lap. You think about Vanessa – a sort of uplifting image or trajectory. It helps some. You stay with your breath and your body when the pain sets in. Shane says 5:03 when you finish the third lap. You pick up your pace, its not so far really. You finish at 6:38. You hadn’t done this, really tried to run a mile, since perhaps junior high. You’re reasonably satisfied.

You walk and jog with Shane a bit afterwards. You talk rather loudly about erections, now versus in high school, as this fellow passes by on the track. When you sense someone behind you, you turn around. He goes: Its okay, I can just pass you by here. He walks on the grass to your left.

You walk back to his house talking about the meaning of Donnie Darko, the death of the community, and ‘honesty’. You plan to go to waller park to eat and chill out. You make tuna sandwiches, walk to your house, put on warmer clothes and have some tea.

You listen to the Donnie Darko soundtrack on the way. Its just right. When you eat the sun is going down and the wind sets about a chill but it becomes clear to you how wonderful and just-so it is being with Shane. He is the type of person you can be yourself with. It’s good that you are friends. Its not bullshit at all.

When you drop him off, you don’t even talk about what you are doing. Its just obvious that this is what we are doing. It is just-so. It means we are tired, but not tired of each other. He says lately he has been looking forward to taking showers. You say that you keep expecting to run into Tom. That every gray haired slim fellow you walk past makes you turn your head to get a glimpse. He says that today was a good day, that he tries to think about the day near the end of it. You listen to nice music from the 5^th and 6^th Harry Potter films as you drop him off. The first track is somber and the second track is whimsical. You take a bath when you get home. Trish talks with you in a wonderfully warm way regarding school. She hugs you and wants you to be doing it for you. You say you will sleep on what to do regarding your failed class.

Outline of Points for Work - from a few months ago

• The Public-Narrative/Expectational-Living is both ungrounded and, as it is, is incapable of being so.
• The Source of all issues may be seen directly in one’s subconscious, can be traced in one’s ‘thought’.
• There can be no flourishing if one can’t will what they are doing.
• Mechanicalness, that is, Expectational-Living, puts one to sleep, brings one into the sleep-forgetfulness-cycle.
• Mechanicalness: doing while one’s intention is foreign to one; doing when one doesn’t know why one is doing what one is doing; when there is a disconnect between will and action.
• All illusions, fears, conflicts, disturbing and destructive movements arise from this disconnect.
• There is no such thing as a morality when one is within Expectational-Living. Morality is impossible when one cannot go against one’s society.
• The institutions of the Public-Narrative once were grounded – that is, connected with the Source – but when the Source is not seen and the story is still passed on, people cannot act from the will, cannot practice the real values which the story arises from. The way then becomes dead, lulling people to sleep.
• Without the Source, there is no possibility of flourishing. Without, in other words, the ability to recognize trajectory in Self-Narrative and the Public-Narrative, there is only mechanical movement.