The Metaphysics of Vanessa

You say to yourself

Walk her to the parking lot after class

Talk about the New-Agey teacher

What we thought about

When he turned the lights off

And played a guided mediation tape

All quick questions

Defense Mechanisms

The barely-there norm

She’s this short, petite Latino girl

The speaker of a cautious, endearing language

Not the language of innocence

But of reserve and cheerfulness

Some knowing aspect

The cause of heritage

Of someone who hasn’t really strayed from life

Who doesn’t suspect there is a sour trick at play

Yet aware of this idea

Having felt its weight

Having persevered

Who may have been around the shady types

But does not advance it

A strange fact

In this strange thing

You say more liberalism would help

And a healthier economy

And we’d do well to spend time with family

Read a book every now and then

Stay in on Saturday night

And stare at yourself in the mirror

‘I know you’re after intensity’

You’ll say to the mirror

‘Cause I chased it too’

She says, We do it for ourselves

And then for others

Don’t confuse the order

For perhaps there is no way

But we shall not know coiled up

Sucking upon the second hand of centuries

The buildup of the easy

You say to her wonderful black hair

Remember:

We came out of the world

Without initiation

And the world came out of the world

Without initiation

I tell you this

But the hearers didn’t choose to hear

And the deaf did not choose otherwise

And you may withdrawal

Say you owe nothing

Say that you are your own thing

With your own projects

Your own pleasure

That no one can take that away

By her clothes

By her shyness

An honest young woman

You dwell on that

You

You are a liar

A politician

A teenage smirk

Glazed debris

You’ve sat against yourself

In the screaming body of a victim

Your body

So many years

Always digging yourself out

The body like a wet towel twisted dry

You first notice her on the bus

The back of her head

Her hair pulled back:

Over her ear the slimmest of strands

Out of order

In the wonderful sunlight

Blessing her

And you sit there

And you want to be surefooted and articulate

When you come into her view

You’ll exit and smile slightly

And you want to be the highest self

The highest there is

Self Love, Sea Lust

Been walking for sometime

don't know why I'm here

I no longer remember

Longings and hunger and thirst

have made their way with me

entangled, overgrown

this is what I know

I browse old photos

recordings

stars of the lid

I look at her eyes

how she was touching me

I look for clues

Oh, I'm a cog

a billiard ball

foaming

over and over

ripping, pleading

Will the next person

who comes down the path

save me

steer me away from here?

But down this path

is vacancy

is sea lust

a container

for the craving

of oceanic solace

of destination

In the mirror of ponds

I see tired eyes

blued eyes

foreign

in the cold of night

I hear chattering of teeth

startlingly near

But no one

there is no one

If you wonder why I walk

it's because I've already sat

hung my head

And sitting is much worse

you lose more than you know

spin yourself knots

dirt in every crevice

At least with walk

you dull the nerves

distract the eye

keep status quo

Again, again

I find myself here

in this forest

like yesterday

like the day before that

And on these days

shivers and shakes move through

I hear them come out of me

feel them as if emanating

from some wound

and the day follows night

even if night doesn't end

in your head

Yes, there's the typical resistance

to spilling myself

but I'm alone

would like at least one friend

even it is has to be me

Perhaps I will draw a map

if I cannot get myself out

to the sea

I will at least work

care for this path

removing obstacles from it's flow

cleaning it

with salt love

that burns

Am I a phoenix

from these ashes?

How many ponds does it take

to clean a man?

Will you tell me

friend?

Won't you tell me