In the heat it is nice. The cold seems to prompt a lot of considering about dress, discomfort, alienation, and so on. You’re on your own little island trying to keep warm. The heat seems to draw forth a togetherness – we are all sweating, kind of drowsy, etc., so don’t worry about it. You’re out in the open with everything, sharing what’s there.
You get up irritated. It’s around lunchtime and you are forced in to going to lunch with Trish. She does a kind of postmodern guilt thing. You can’t really remember what it was. It would be difficult to explain anyway but it’s something that happens occasionally. Perhaps this is a mother/son thing. Assertiveness doesn’t really work the way it ought to.
Anyway. Lunch then to Nana/Papa’s to do some gardening. You bring a cassette player and some tapes on Buddhism that you got from the sangha in SLO. You listen while you drive around and while you garden.
You trim some bushes, load some wood in the back of your truck, and start to dig up the root of a lemon tree you had cut down previously. But its hot. After an hour and a half or so you call it quits for the day. You shower, change, and eat a bit.
The tapes help you. You go to the café on Broadway and have a cup of iced tea and later a cup of coffee. You intend to research the Electoral College so as to write a paper for class but end reading an email from Nick on experimentation. This prompts you to send him a quote you mentioned to him a few days ago. From here you read some stuff that’s on your red thumb drive. Old stuff. You read some work you did over the summer and realize its related to what Nick and you have been discussing in relation to ‘the path’. You send it to Nick. Its actually pretty good.
You are really seeing the importance of at-hand trajectory awareness at this point. You decide to eat at Nana’s. You then take a break – you decide you will chill out for just one hour. You play hearts on the computer for about 45 minutes. You lie down and watch your thoughts.
You get up and watch your thoughts. You watch your thoughts all the way to the library. You read near the window about the Electoral College. You find a good site and are interested. You stay till it closes. The employees say good bye to you while they wait by the stairs. One of them uses your first name. You watch your thoughts.
Shane texts you while you are driving home. You do not respond till you get home. You run a through a four way stop on purpose. You listen to a tape.
You tell him to come along on a hike on Saturday. Later he texts you about hanging out tonight. You intend to finish the Electoral College assignment. But later you change your mind. You will hang out.
You write this. You showered and then did some calisthenics and then sat on the cushion for some time, panting. Then you eat an orange and then you write this. You want to see the point of going to hang out. Earlier you had some thoughts about making things more growth centered with Shane. You want to show him him. Mirror. But you want to do this so that you can push things a bit further.
You have thoughts about just keep that space of silence open. Watch your thoughts. And also know why your doing what your doing. This is important. Really important. For now. So what is the purpose now? You will go to the party why?
Earlier you thought about the reason for doing the E.C. paper. You go: doing it will help to get more points, so that I may get a fair grade for the class, so that I may have a good enough gpa so that I may get into Humboldt easier for the second time, so that I may go to Humboldt next January, so that I may be around people interested in philosophy like me, so that I can push things further and see clearly.
Seeing the whole project in front of you but not as words, as feelings as narrative – such a thing gets rid of all insecurity and distractive meandering.
You will be space. Take the time to feel how you feel. No easy going with it. This shuts you off. Find the real honest reason for the movement. Don’t bullshit with the reasons. Make it so you have the time to see the real reasons. Then see if such a reason is commensurate with how you intend to be.
No stupid movement then.
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