There's been this thought
tumbling around my head for a while
Perhaps a truism
It's that all good things
are the result of patience and care
That relationships
if they're to be worth a damn
ought to be no different
With this in mind
A worry entered
months ago
as I drove home
for the first time
from Cotati
I worried that the stages of infatuation
of surface
of surface
had not run their cycle
that patience and care
the bloom of sharing
and nearness
would not take
in this sand of long distance
so soon
this thing
so young
It was a worry tied to others
perhaps inevitable
perhaps circumstantial
The fact is that each of us hid
ourselves
our motives
our hurts
I fragmented my anxieties
and loneliness
made them look mature
balanced
more then they really are
You suspended the rawness
of your past
and both of us
shaking
felt for the other
for warmth
for release
It happens that
We get what we sow
Yet even though I've never known
the raw de-centering
of heartache
until now
I'm still glad that things were put on
pause
that it was felt necessary
to step back
halt the momentum
I'm glad because I was thinking
similarly:
a step back was necessary
if our gentle thing
was to be worth a damn
if it was to get past the stages of
infatuation
and enter into the depths of patience
and care
if we were to even seriously talk
about what we wanted
if we were to look each other in the eye
if we were to look each other in the eye
To do this requires that we reveal those
cracks
in the street
which we have fallen
to see the deep darks
It requires that we see one another
and ourselves
no longer as drugs
taken to forget our bodies
but as dying pining creatures
trying to create and maneuver
trying to face up
and sometimes flee
those hurts
that have crystallized into scar
that back us into corners
cut off the oxygen
prevent deep breaths
deep movement
that strand us in space
When we paused
and then when you stepped back
in your small orange notebook
allowing me to see you
from where you came
to what path you now peruse -
and how far I had gotten attached -
I was forced to sit with both
revelations
and suspicions
things I saw off in the periphery
One suspicion:
I tended to use you
in a hazy way
as a distraction
yet deny
was a distraction
Often I saw you as sexual attraction
as playful spontaneity
I saw you as a respite for loneliness
a loneliness I've carried around
for years
I saw you as easing my anxiety
lack of confidence
philosophic crisis
post-college malaise
I saw you through the longing and hope
for communion
Yet here you were
standing in front of me
naked
cold to numb
using me
for warmth
like I was using you
Oh, the distractions we'll sow
Yes
I know you are not without blind spots
and hang-ups and faults
There are no angels
in this world
Only longing
and trial and error
But I want you
I want you even though
the will to love
precedes the appearance
on the scene
of the beloved
I want you even though
the world gives no clues
as to what we should be up to
and we stand alone with what we take
seriously
I want patience and care
to enter this picture
this story
I want to look directly into your eyes
for a couple sacred minutes
and longer
to not have you turn away
I want to be sacred with you
Did you know that?
